His way of dying
by OniKuShita
Summary: Okita finds out the truth behind his illness and rejects help from everyone. (Prequel from Broken)


_**Here´s my second OS. It´s the prequel of Broken. Enjoy and review please :)**_

„I´ll say this as a doctor. You´re suffering from tuberculosis."

His heart skipped a beat as he heard the words from Doctor Matsumoto, not knowing how to handle his own feelings. He had heard many stories about different people who suffered from tuberculosis and died a horrible dead. He knew there was no cure and this was it what made him fear.

He could not die yet.

He tried hard not to show his inner battle. Instead he looked calm into the distance, still thinking about his cruel fate.

"Had a feeling that was it. The real thing huh ? The famous disease."

The wind blew with an immense power against his face and forced him to close his eyes. He saw Kondou and the rest of the Shinsengumi. They all fought against an unbeatable force and did their best where it was clear that they could not win.

But no one tried to run away or to give up.

"Yes, aren´t you surprised ?"

"It´s my own body, I always had a bad feeling about it."

Since he was a child, he suffered from different diseases because his own body was too weak to fight against the illness. But he thought that his weakness would disappear when he gets older.

It seems that he could not be more wrong.

"Gotta tell ya though, I´m not really used to getting my health advice from doctors, you know. Hehehe..."

With an worried expression, doctor Matsumoto looked at him. He was not sure how to read Okitas body language about his diagnosis. But after his words it seems he did not take it seriously.

"It´s nothing to laugh about. You should leave the Shinsengumi and go to recuperate. Go somewhere where the air is cleaner and eat something healthy. You´ve got to take it easy-"

"I can´t do that."

His words were cold and threatening as his eyes shone in a light that the doctor never seen before. Slowly Okita turned his gaze to Matsumoto.

"That would mean leaving the Shinsengumi, right ?"

He knew the answer but he could not deny that he did not want to think more about the offers of the doctor. He already made his mind up.

"Why are you so desperate to stay here ?"

"My life´s only got one purpose and when I might die doesn´t change that. I´m here to kill anyone who stands against the Shinsengumi. If I die, I can´t fulfill this purpose. But sitting on my ass out in the country isn´t gonna to fulfill it either. You get it ? If I´m gonna die, then that´s a reason for me to stay, not a reason for me to go."

There was silence for a long time before Matsumoto stood up from his seat and sighed. He knew there was no way he could persuade Okita to go.

"Okay. But you have to follow my orders. Don´t strain yourself!"

He looked to Okita who smiled at him and left the courtyard, left him for his own thoughts. Again pictures appeared in his mind where the Shinsengumi lost battles while he was chained in bed, not able to move.

He was not good enough to help Kondou. To be useful.

"Chizuru-chan, come out. You are there, right ?"

Okita heard a gasp from the distance and saw her red face looking around the corner. He knew she was there from the beginning but he wanted to wait until the doctor was gone. As she walked toward him he slipped to the side and clapped with his hand the spot where she should sit. But she sat down in some distance from him which surprised him.

"Why are you sitting so far away ?"

"E-Eh...but-"

She seemed uncomfortable and looked straight at him. Okita sighed and looked down, feeling something what makes him feel bad.

"Even if tuberculosis is contagious. That still upsets me..."

"It´s not like that!"

She jumped up and ran in his direction until she stopped some inches away from his face. He looked at her with his emotionless eyes, still waiting for her explanation about her behavior. But she did not respond.

Then an idea popped up in his mind.

"Could it be that you took what Matsumoto-sensei said seriously ? Did I look like I have a strange illness ?"

Her eyes widened at his words.

Chizuru could not believe what he had just said and stared at him with a baffled expression. Why would he try to convince her that the words of the doctor were all lies. She knew Matsumoto since she was a child. Never he made a false diagnosis.

She shacked her head and wanted to answer him when he spoke.

"You won´t tell anyone about this silly thing, right ? If you tell someone, then maybe I´ll have to kill you..."

Her heart seemed to fall apart at his words as she clenched her fists in her lap. Why could he not trust her that she won´t tell anyone about his illness ? She felt lost though she sat next to him. As she looked up, she saw his hard gaze.

"Yes, I won´t tell anyone."

Her words made him smile as he stood up from the bench and walked away. Several minutes she remained there, looked at the spot where he has been some minutes ago

before she followed his example.

Some days later she walked down the hallway, thinking about the last encounters she had with Okita. His illness got worse day by day, but he refused her help or tell someone that he was sick. She did not know the reason for it, but because she was the only one who knew about his illness, she felt responsible for him.

"No, Souji. You´re sick."

Hijikatas voice reached her ears so she came to a halt. She looked straight to the closed shoji screen besides her where she could see two figures. The taller figure trembled in anger after the words but she could see that the person tried hard to keep control.

"You can overdo things. I am feeling better and can still fight on the side of the Shinsengumi."

Hijikata did not look convinced. He frowned and laid the brush down to take a better look on Okita. The dark-haired man could see the sweat on his forehead and the squeezed breath as if someone would suffocate the air from his lungs. He tried to figured out what was wrong with him.

"And why did you coughed up a lung earlier ?"

The room felt silent.

Okita could not deny he coughed some moments ago and that the pain in his chest was unbearable. But he did not want to be useless and just stay there, watching how everyone fight when he was the only one who lays in bed.

He wanted to be Kondous sword.

For Hijikata the conversation came to an end as he turned around to his desk to continue his work.

"Stay in bed and rest until you get better."

Okita clenched his fists, stifled the blazing rage and looked at Hijikatas back. This was enough.

"I am not weak, Hijikata. I can still fight!"

"You can´t fight with us in this condition. We don´t need a wounded samurai who can´t hold his sword."

Hijikata did not turn around when he spoke. Okita felt like something broke in him as he looked to Hijikata. He wanted to tell him that he was not right. But he knew the truth about his words.

Silently she entered the room. Okita stared at the ceiling, did not show any sign he had noticed her at all. He looked so lost in this large room she felt sorry for him. As she knelt down besides him, a bowl in hands, she saw his eyes flickered.

"Okita-san, here is your porridge."

She smiled at him and was about to give him the bowl when he began to speak.

"I don´t need your pity."

Surprised she saw in his direction to see him looking at her coldly. All emotions she knew from him were vanished. There was no smile or laughter she knew he used very often in the presence of others. She needed some moments before she could made up her mind.

"I don´t pity you. I´ll help you because Kondou-san had ask me to look after you."

He did not look convinced as he stared at her, searching for signs that tells him she lied. But he found none. He remained silent until he turned his gaze away from her. Chizuru looked determined as she placed the bowl besides him.

"I hope you like it."

Okita sighed as he raised his upper body and took the bowl, stared down at the food she gave him. Even he would not admit it, he liked her food. She was a good cook after all. Slowly he started to eat. How expected it tasted good.

"You should go to do other chores than-"

Suddenly he felt this familiar pain in his throat and held his hand in front of his mouth before he coughed. His lungs burned and he had the feeling all the air was forced out of his body with every cough. Chizuru jumped up and held his back to support him, worry clouded her face.

"Okita-san, are you alright ? Can I help you ?"

After some minutes the attack ebbed away, but the pain remained. He knew this was just the beginning of his true grief.

"Yeah I am alright."

Chizuru did not look convinced but she stayed silent. She knew Okita never would show weakness in front of others. He was not the type who would do such a thing. But she could not deny she was worried about him.

"Do you need something ?"

"No, you can go."

Again he looked at her with this cold gaze. Okita did not want her to stay any longer with him. She should not be by his side see him dying.

"Okay, then I will leave."

She stood up and looked at him with a forced smile. Chizuru reached the shoji screen and opened it. Barely she stepped outside she heard his low voice.

"Chizuru..."

"Hai, Okita-san ?"

The girl turned around and saw him in front of her which made her to back off. Why was he so near ? And why she did not noticed him earlier ?

"You shouldn´t get involved with me anymore."

His cool gaze made her shiver but she tried hard to stay calm. She knew him since nine months and knew about his threatening behavior he showed her countless times. He also protected her when she was in danger.

"No, I can´t."

He looked at her with eyes she had seen before when he killed someone. It scared her and she wished not to be here. But then, she did not want to go.

"Why ?"

His question came out of nowhere. She did not know how to response which makes her feel bad. Why she wanted him to be by her side?

"Because I..."

She thought and thought but there was no answer. She sighed as she raised her head to return his gaze.

"I don´t know."

This was a weak explanation. Even a child could say ´_I don´t know_.´ For Okita it seemed enough. He nodded and stepped back in his room, closed the shoji screen. For several moments she stared at the closed door before she left.

Okita heard her footsteps faded away and sighed. He knew he was mean to her, but this was the only way to keep her away. She was a girl who should be happy and live her life, not see him die. He closed his eyes.

It was his way of dying.


End file.
